thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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