can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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