I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
