is your mom at the bar?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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