first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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