I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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