So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
