david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
