Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
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