i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
