I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
