a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
