I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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