I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
