I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
