Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
