I wish my penis had an off switch
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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