I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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