Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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