If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
