I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
So many bounce houses so little time
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
