I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
