It's Friday. Sex?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
