I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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