Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
