my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
