Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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