I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Randomize
