He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Im part way to drunk.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
