I'm jealous of your bromance
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
did i walk over a car last night?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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