I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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