they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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