So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
