Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Come see our sink grown plant.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
