You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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