I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
