I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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