Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
