so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
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