I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
