Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
