I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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