i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Having a random hookup so left but love u
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
