apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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