just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
my god I love twenty year old dicks
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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