My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
she told me i tasted like america
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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