I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
