I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
