I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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