guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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