i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
