I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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