Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
