I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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